Since I got sent home from work today due to a terrible head cold, I figured I would update this blog-thingamajig. I realize that instead of writing about my own semi-interesting (ok, boring) life, I usually just comment on other people's exciting ones.
This afternoon, I figured it was time for a change. So I would like to share with everyone my recollection of the worst date I've ever been on. Although I have been on many dates, and the majority of them were somewhere between mediocre and awful, one stands out in my mind as worse than the rest. I feel that everyone would benefit from my telling of the story. Let's begin!!
It was a Tuesday evening I believe...I had been working at the devil store (Carlton Cards...ugh) in the Kamloops mall. Every day that I worked there seemed to run into the day before, and nothing very exciting ever happened. But this day, a pretty cute guy came in and we were talking and he asked me if I would like to go for dinner after work. I decided that dinner was probably a bit too much for a first date, and so we settled for a drink. He said he'd call me around 8 and we'd figure out where to go. I was kinda excited, which seems strange now, seeing as every time I have to go on a date I feel nothing but dread now.
So I finished work, went home and he called and we decided to go to Duffys. It seemed like a fairly safe place for a date. My mom suggested that I meet him there, just in case I decided half way through that I should bolt. Also, this prevented him from knowing where I lived (man, that woman has EXCELLENT foresight!!) and would make it difficult for him to just show up at random times (which had happened beofe, believe it or not...one time a guy whom I had went on ONE date with, was at my house when I got home from work...had just gone in and introduced himself as my "boyfriend" and creeped the hell out of my dad).
I meet the guy at Duffys, and the first thing I notice is that he isn't as tall as I thought he was at the store. I really can't complain though, because at 5'2", I'm not exactly a giant myself. We go inside, and I order a ceasar. I remember what I drank that night, because they have never appealed to me since. He starts off the conversation by telling me that he is 34 *COUGH COUGH* and has 2 kids. A GIANT red flag shot out of his head at that point. I was 22, freshly out of a hellish relationship with a guy who had a kid, and not at all interested in having to look after someone else's child while they ran around the country sleeping with every whore they could find. After that I was polite, but distant. So he pulled out the one card that REALLY pisses me off. The "I have this much money and I have this many things and I'm great because I'm rich" card. I downed my drink as quickly as possible and said that it was time for me to go. I grabbed my coat and rushed to the door.
Mini-me came truckin' along behind me...and as I was unlocking my door, he came up to me, grabbed the back of my head and LICKED my face. I'm talking, full-on tongue along my cheek action. It was like having your faithful furry companion show you love, only much much much much worse. I burst out laughing...I think mostly due to the awkwardness of the situation...and pushed him away from me. I figured the "uhh...I gotta go" was enough of a hint that I wasn't interested in him, but apparently it wasn't. He ended our lovely evening with the words "Let's go get a hotel room..." and I ended the evening by opening my car door, jumping in and locking the door while he stood there looking at me. Then I proceeded to start bawling and drove home (using a very out-of-the-way route to prevent any following) and swore off dating.
Looking back, it's funny now. At the time it wasn't. And what REALLY isn't funny about it, is how my mom will sometimes tell me that he's called their house looking for me. I think she's told him 2 or 3 times that I don't live there anymore...but good for him for keeping up the hope!!
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12 comments:
I had to stop reading after I saw the words "Kamloops Mall" and it made me vomit.
Will read the rest when the dry heaving stops.
I finished reading the rest of it, but had to stop after the words "licked my face" and it made me vomit, again.
You poor thing, I though that kind of thing only happened in British comedies.
My life is an exercise in humiliation...seriously. I've grown used to it. I'll keep you updated on more dating horror stories, but these things take time. They are the skeletons in my closet.
And people wonder why I'm single. Ha!
Then I'll blog about the horrors of online dating and what to do when your online bf puts you in a headlock and threatens to paralyze you with one pinch of his judo-chop hands.
I was considering finding myself an online bf from somewhere in the Middle East. I'd prefer for him to have a mediocre grasp of the English language, and I'd really like him to use the word "LOVE" in regards to his feelings for me...a lot.
Could you set this up for me? Because I'm feeling really lonely.
You don't need an online boyfriend Janelle. You just need to know how to treat the fella right to begin with, especially when you're both in a public place. For example get really drunk-I mean utterly smashed. Stop everyone who passes by the table by grabbing their arm and say, "Hey! You see this guy I'm with? I fucked his mom. Yeah, that's right!" Or how about complaining to each waitress about how "this guy never pays child support." Ooooo! Ooooo! Then top off the lovely evening by inviting a crazy street performer named Spoons over to the table and alienate him to the point where he looks your companion in the face and says, "What the fuck is her deal?" I think you might just have a formula for success.
It doesn't specify who left the last post, so I'm gonna say it's from Jeff's Mum.
That hurts Jeff...'cause I was pretty sure we had a great afternoon that day. I remember it differently...I remember us shopping, and then you taking me to a REALLY sketchy pub that smelt like stale beer and urine. Then I remember going to another swankier pub, and then I don't remember much of anything at all.
So don't go making me look like the bad guy here.
Oh, and are you implying that we were on a date?
(Ross)
Aside from the swanky pub and the shopping, that sounds just like the type of day I plan for my dates
(Jeff)
Of course it was a date! Why the hell do you think I bought the corsage? Do you figure I usually wear a tuxedo? One that happens to be from my prom and so tight that it shuts down the central nervous system at five-minute intervals? Christ, I wasn’t constantly falling to the ground because my shoelaces were becoming untied, it was because that thing was more powerful than five Chuck Norris sleeper-holds rolled into one. Didn’t you happen to notice that every time I came-to I had a hard time remembering where I was? And that wasn’t splash-back from washing my hands at a low-level sink earlier that day; I was slowly wetting myself. All this for the sake of showing you a good time in Vancouver.
(Jeff)
But on a serious note Janelle, it was a great afternoon. I was just surprised at how many people ended up wanting to kill me in this city.... Not bitter, just surprised.
Aah Jeff...you have such a flair for the fiction. I think that's why you're such a great liar.
I guess it wasn't the pub that smelt of urine then eh? Oh well...you were so handsome in your skintight suit that I let myself think the smell was part of the ambiance.
It was a fun day...I am truly sorry that I got so enebriated that I couldn't control my mouth (excessive talking, yelling, drooling etc.) I will promise you that it won't even happen again, well, not exactly like that anyways. Something like that only comes along once in a lifetime.
You have that to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
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